Hello people who probably forgot to unfollow this blog because I never post here anymore. I’m posting here now because a bunch of my boyfriends friends follow me on my regular blog and I don’t feel like it would be fair to post this and expect them not to freak out.
It’s just. Okay how did I get so much anhedonia? It’s basically like apathy the way depression is like being sad. How the fuck did I get here? Because now that I’m here I feel like I’m just going to be stuck here until one day I’m not and I have no control over it. I am finding myself feeling like everything I do is just “going through the motions” and even when I try to do self care things they feel forced. I don’t remember the last time I felt actively happy but it was over a month ago.
And it’s fucking with my relationship because I keep feeling like if I’m not happy then it’s not a good relationship. But then maybe that’s wrong and maybe it’s a fine relationship but I can’t feel things right. But right now I’m just annoyed at like 2/3 of the things he does (the remaining 1/3 I recognize as objectively wonderful but I still can’t make myself feel it) and I just want some space which would be fine if I thought that would actually do anything other than hurt him and make him feel like he has to prove himself to me.
I don’t know I just don’t care about things, and when I find things that might actually make me happy, I don’t do them because they take effort/cost money/ aren’t as easy as rewatching teen wolf and hating myself for not doing schoolwork. I don’t know if this is coming from anywhere so I’m gonna tag this with some vaguely related stuff in hopes that it catches someone’s eye who knows how to deal, because I sure as fuck don’t.
Hello friends! My pharmacy just got a new manufacturer for IC Methylphenidate ER (generic concerta) and I thought I’d try to get the word out. Google will not help you and my pill bottle didn’t have a description of what the medicine was supposed to look like. So, at least according to my pharmacists, this is a 36mg pill of generic concerta. They said they just got it in within the last month. I don’t know how widespread this is, but man was I confused- Google showed me a bunch of things that were not this, and my pills looked different. I went back and asked them to be sure.
As always, I’m not a medical professional or anything, just a concerned ADHD-er who thought she might be able to save someone a drive to the pharmacy maybe, or at least a little anxiety.
One of the SERIOUS BUSINESS REALLY BAD SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING side effects of stimulants (according to my pediatrician when I was 13 so you know, I guess it could be wrong) is blurry vision.
Now, I’ve been on concerta for almost a year and a half and it’s practically a wonder drug. Other than the totally missing appetite and slightly raised heart rate, I’ve had no problems. Side effects show up pretty quickly.
But my eyesight has been blurry for the past couple of days. And I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t slept a full night in over a week, or if it’s because I don’t take my contacts out enough frequently enough, or if it’s because I just have bad eyes and always have, or if it’s the SERIOUS BUSINESS REALLY BAD SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING scenarios that my pediatrician (who had the demeanor of a sad and high guy who wasn’t totally into kids but was doing the best he could [and to be fair this was in his later years after his fourth divorce, and it’s possible that he was just better with younger kids anyway] but basically he was sluggish and chilled out all the time) beat into my head to be afraid of. I mean sudden animation “if that ever happens ever you call an ambulance right then, do you hear me chelsea?” style beating into my head.
And like, I should go see a doctor, probably. No scratch that, I know I should. Only which one? Do I go to an ER and hope they refer me to the right person, or to an optometrist to get my eyes checked, or to my psychiatrist to get off my wonder drug? I don’t fuckin’ know.
So I think right now my plan is to try to sleep better tonight, and to deal with it after my anatomy test Tuesday. But like, this shit is actually really concerning. Like, I was messaging my boyfriend on facebook last night, and I couldn’t see enough to check what I typed on the screen- the letter were too blurry. It’s not always that bad, but sometimes it is. I’m gonna go take my contacts out and put on my glasses, and then get back to work.
(ps how messed up is it that i’m still putting my grades ahead of my physical wellbeing? thats not okay i should stop that)
(pps my family has so many doctors, and i’m going to be a nurse, why am i this resistant to going to doctors? i’m totally cool with mental health doctors, counselors, etc, but other doctors are like a thing I put off forever. i had a huge migraine a year ago at a wedding, and had to lie down on the ground outside during the toasts and some dancing because i couldn’t deal and i still have “call doctor about migraines” on my to do list from then.)
TIME TO LISTEN UP! I get a lot of asks from people who have Trichotillomania, dermatillomania, nervous habits, nail biting problems and anxiety issues that make them harm their body in an effort to relieve stress. If you do any of those things, you should be paying attention to this post.
This is not a cure, this is a way to help you keep your hands busy.
Remember, idle hands pull strands!!
a spinner ring is a two part ring. The base band and the free spinning band. You can put it on a finger while you’re reading and have a free hand and keep that hand busy by spinning it with your thumb, or you can use both hands. It really helps keep your hands busy.
This ring cost me 12 dollars at the Trichotillomania Learning Center site.
Go do yourself a favor and get one- it has helped me so much.
this startled me to come up on my dash because it’s relevant since i’ve been picking at myself lately since i have a lot of bugbites and things and ugh
this is one of those things i really should get for myself at some point haha j oj
Chelsea, I am reblogging this for you!
I’m having problems eating again. It’s not just when my meds are in effect either. I lost like 30 pounds in the last 6 months, which isn’t too unhealthy when you consider that it was all weight that I’d put on in the 6 months prior to that, and when you consider that it was all weight that my body didn’t want, but still.
(fyi: bodies defend a set weight that is pretty hard to change. so if you gain weight fast, you’ll drop it fast because your body doesn’t want it, or vice versa)
I keep thinking of this line from Laurie Halse Anderson’s “Wintergirls” about “my tiny pink mouse stomach was happy.” which is how the main character who has anorexia sees it- her stomach is small and pink and clean and adding food in dirties it and makes it unhappy. And, dude, that book is in no way a positive endorsement for eating disorders. It starts with the MC’s best friend dying of complications from bulimia. It’s clearly told from the point of view of someone who has totally detached from reality. The fact that I’m nodding along with this narrator is freaking me out.
My work/class schedule makes it easy to skip meals, or live on whatever I can store in my car. I have class from 11:30-12:25, so by the time I’m home I’m past lunch time. Some days I have lab from 12:45-3:40 so yeah. And then I work at 5 every night as a waitress through dinner and closing (around 11) so it’s easy to skip dinner. I’m basically living on breakfast burritos (when I convince myself to eat them) and chips and salsa. Sometimes ice cream. On weekends at least I’m visiting my boyfriend a lot, and he eats like a real person more often than I do, and I don’t want to drop my crazy food stuff on his head now, so I have to play along.
ugh i have more shit to say about life but right now this is just bad news bears and it’s 3 AM so I have no filter and also should probably go to sleep. I don’t really know what anyone can say, because it’s not like I’m sitting around wanting to eat and not being able to. It’s that I’m choosing not to even when I could and that’s not good.
I made another thing.
As someone with Panic Disorder, I really appreciate this post.
Do not touch them unless they give you permission and don’t tell them to calm down are so important! When I have panic attacks and people (usually strangers) do this, it makes my panic worse.
This is so very useful.
As someone who has these often…. This post is 100% accurate and should be read by everyone.
so so so so so so great.
I’m doing a quiz which determines whether you’re left or right brained, and the question is which sounds more like you “I prefer routines and structure.” or “I enjoy freedom and flexibility.”
And like, what the hell am I supposed to answer - because I crave structure, but my ADD means the moment I have it I stop using it because
So, I’m just sitting here laughing
oh man yes this
Yeah for sure!
Alright so first off, there are medicine based treatments. Naltrexone (brand name Revia) is a medication designed to help heroin addicts and alcoholics quit their drugs, but an off-label use is treatment of “compulsive self-destructive behaviors”, ie, derma, trichitillomania, etc. It’s a pretty rough medication to take (drowsiness, appetite suppression, and nausea are all part of the fun, plus a medical alert bracelet so you can’t get opiate painkillers) so I would recommend exhausting other options. There is also a vitamin supplement called N-Acetyl Cysteine (NAC) that has helped a lot of people. I couldn’t deal because the particular brand I found smelled and tasted like dog fart, but I also have a pretty sensitive gag reflex when it comes to smells. It’s available at a lot of vitamin stores (GNC and the like) and doesn’t require a prescription, so it’s a pretty easy thing to try.
Aside from drugs, I have a few other things
-Keep your fingernails short. Which is sad, because I love painting mine fun colors, but it can help if I physically can’t pick things.
-New Skin is basically a liquid bandage. It’s designed for people who are super active and have injuries in places basic bandaids can’t stay well. I sometimes put two coats of it on the inside of my elbow or something and pick it off. Not really helping with eradicating the picking behavior, but it’s not actually destroying my skin & opening me up to infection either.
-Physical barriers like bandaids and pants make it harder to fidget. This is absurd advice in the face of summer in most cases, but it can help so I’ll put it in here. If you do bandaids, get ones that are super sturdy- either fabric or the really solid waterproof ones, and ones with adhesive all the way around the cotton pad, not just on the two sides. If it flaps around a lot, I find myself noticing it more and that makes me more likely to mess with it.
-If you feel comfortable telling your friends about it, you can ask them to stop you if they notice you doing it. You can come up with codewords, or have them do what some of my friends do, which is literally slap my hands away.
-Fidget toys! Fidget toys are great and a really broad category of things that basically just need to be something you can fidget with indefinitely. I saw a lot of these in high school counselor’s offices, but oddly I also run into them a lot in science museums and children’s museums. If you get a small one, you can keep it in a purse or backpack or even pocket and just have it so that whenever you’re forced to sit still for a while you can reach it and keep occupied that way.
-A friend of mine likes to get really nice manicures with fake nails. Apparently the false nails feel like they could come off so she doesn’t want to break them by picking, and she also doesn’t want to ruin the manicure, so it basically forces her to be more aware of what she’s doing with her hands at any given moment. I sometimes do a similar thing with makeup when I have a bunch of things open on my face.
There’s probably more that I’m not thinking of right now. Anyone else have thoughts?
I am wired because apparently steroids do this to me, even though the big worry was that they were going to make me depressed. This is what super-wired me looks like. I ramble a bit.Edit: thank god, the food is slowing me down. Am now capable of reading.